| abstract | - Only seventeen people died at the 2007 homecoming dance yesterday, says UnCorral sources. "We usually get around 30-40 deaths." says Principal Tim Gannon. "Thankfully for us, we always put "we are not reponsible for injuries or deaths at dances" at the bottom of our tickets. Anyway, I praise the Freshmen STUCO for a job well done." President Johnathan Daniels was shocked at the praise for "only" seventeen deaths. "What?" he said very intelligently. "It's not like we were prepared for deaths." said Vice president Sarah Bradley, who took over after Mr. Daniels excused himself to go vomit and commit emo acts. "We thought, well, maybe a few broken bones, but not any casualties." Deaths included three freshman, who were completely unprepared for the slaughter. They were Will Ruman, who was knifed by a very jealous Ben Kweskin, Anshia Gururaj, prime valedictorian condenter, who was stampeded on, and Alex Maslev (AKA Saramboo or Fromo) whose big fluffy hair was mistaken for someone else's big fluffy hair (believed to be Katy, as Ben was going on a killing spree).
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