| ShortSummary | - John Stossel says there is nothing wrong with cousins marrying each other , Mission plan concocted for Killer, Bobby, and Ric Ocasek to rescue Stephen Jr., Stephen's Sound Advice: Power Failure.
- Better Know A District: Eleanor Holmes Norton of Washington D.C.
- Colbert provides a different view on global warming with his PowerPoint presentation/"top-grossing documentary" The Convenientest Truth.
- Colbert outlines his plan to save traditional marriage by stating that gay marriage should be banned in 49 states and legalized only in Massachusetts so all the gays will flock there. Better Know a District: Rick Larsen of Washington's 2nd. Colbert removes Mort Zuckerman from the "On Notice" board after Zuckerman apologized during the interview.
- Stephen celebrated the US victory in the 2006 FIFA World Cup claiming that since Italy never beat the US, just tied, they were just as good as the victors. Stephen's Sound Advice on wildfires. On guest interview, Colbert displays his tumbling prowess for the first time with his guest Sedaris and his building manager Tad.
- In "The WØRD", Colbert brings "Wikiality" to America. He praises Wikipedia for following his philosophy of "truthiness". As he states, "if enough people believe something", it must be true. He also calls on people to edit wikipedia so it says certain things, such as the elephant population has tripled in six months. As a result all topics Colbert mentioned, as well as all Colbert related topics, were locked until recently.
- Threat Down; Canadian pharmaceuticals, fake sperm, Jackie Chan, rogue waves and Magna Morphs .
- Stephen reads his mail from people who want to be his new black friend. He interviews Julian Bond, Chairman of the NAACP, asking advice on how to choose his new black friend. He also interviews Congressman Robert Wexler of the 19th District of Florida.
- Colbert announces he received his first donation for his new charity, the Stephen & Melinda Gates Foundation. Also, Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger; Tips to Iraqi TV for their American Idol-esque Iraqi Star, Wal-mart's shoplifting policy regarding employee stealing and to aliens for their 3-D crop circles. Wags to Arizona for their new voter lottery and Wal-mart's new policy regarding shoplifting for items under $25 dollars.
- "Our Kids: What the Hell Is Wrong with Them?" He skateboards from desk to a 70's-esque rec room complete with beanbag chairs and shag carpeting.
- Stephen lampoons Good Morning America and The Today Show for their coverage of his recent interview with Congressman Robert Wexler. Formidable Opponent: Stem-cell research.
- Stephen proclaims America's latest victories in the British Open, the Tour de France, and Miss Universe. Threat Down: Camp Quest; Other People's Religion In Schools; LaPorte, Indiana; M. Night Shyamalan, Kix.
- Colbert debuts his new one-part series: Stephen Colbert's Problems Without Solutions about a zookeeper who handles bears.
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| IntroPhrase | - "I regret that I have but one half-hour to shout at my country. This is The Colbert Report."
- "On my show, it's always Shark Week. Enemies of America, you are the chum. This is The Colbert Report."
- "They say only drunks and children tell the truth. Guess which one I am."
- "Spoiler Alert. This is The Colbert Report!"
- "I'm America's watchdog: I'm vigilant, I see the world in black and white, and I eat liver and bacon. This is The Colbert Report."
- "By now you should be trained to salivate whenever you hear...This is The Colbert Report."
- "We've got a coast to coast heatwave, but luckily I'm America's biggest fan... This is The Colbert Report!"
- "Now zip it and cop a squat, little mister, or you are grounded for a week. This is The Colbert Report!"
- "You're in for a real treat tonight... if you are watching this show from an ice cream parlor. This is The Colbert Report!"
- "I'm packing America's lunch box with a truth roll-up. This is The Colbert Report"
- "I don't have a truth problem. I tell the truth, I fall down, no problem. This is The Colbert Report."
- "The special ingredient in tonight's show? It's love, this is The Colbert Report."
- "I don't think Barry Manilow looks this good in a suit. This is The Colbert Report!"
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