| abstract | - Leafpool: Hi, and welcome to the one, the only, the utterly magnificent, the first ever, the best in the Clans, the— Squirrelflight: (interrupts) The Warrior Cats Flea Market! Stealthfire: Hey! You stole the way my conversations with Moss go! How dare you! Leafpool: Well, you are the one writing the smoofs… Squirrelflight: Because Mosswhisker can’t be bothered to get off her fat lazy hindquarters… Mosswhisker: (sitting on fat lazy hindquarters a mile away) I resent that! I would come over and say that to your face, but I can’t be bothered to get up off my fat lazy hindquarters! Leafpool: So you really can’t blame us at all. Stealthfire: YES. I. CAN. Squirrelflight: But that makes absolutely no sense at all! Even I can see that! Brambleclaw: I can’t! Squirrelflight: Case in point. Stealthfire: And I should care because? Mosswhisker: Please don’t say it, PLEASE DON’T SAY IT… Squirrelflight: Because everyone will think you’re insane. Mosswhisker: She said it. Stealthfire: Yay! Leafpool and Squirrelflight: ?? Stealthfire: In SkyClan culture, being insane is equivalent to being a superhero! Mosswhisker: Oh Great StarClan, Stealth! Stealthfire: I’ll prove it to you! Whee… (flies away) Mosswhisker: Whoa. She was actually right for once! Leafpool: Well, now that we’ve wasted half the smoof talking about something that happened in the first two sentences, let’s move on! Squirrelflight: Finally! Leafpool: While you’re here… (sets up stand in a flurry of wild energy) Would you like to buy some amulets? Mosswhisker: No, I really don’t think— Squirrelflight: How ‘bout some energy drinks? Mosswhisker: (pales) Leafpool: How—how did you get those? (gulps) Squirrelflight: Well, I read in my Buk of NcreDbL Funess (thunderclaps) that I needed to find out what they were. So I asked Brambleclaw, and he told me! (smiles sweetly) Brambleclaw: (on laptop) Hey, it says here that they taste great too! Leafpool, Mosswhisker, and general population: Noooooo… Squirrelflight: Really? I guess I’d better try one then! Stealthfire: Stealthfire, to the rescue! (da da da, da da da da da…) (swoops down and grabs energy drinks before Squirrelflight can taste them) Leafpool, Mosswhisker and general population: Yay! Squirrelflight: Nuts! Brambleclaw: Where? Everyone: (stares) Squirrelflight: (coughs) Well, I guess I have no choice but to sell: Energy bars. (Whee) Stealthfire: I give up. (flies away) Mosswhisker: Drastic action is required. (turns to Squirrelflight) I’ll take them all. Everyone: (gasps) Squirrelflight: Done! Mosswhisker: (takes bars) Now, I’ll just go and get rid of these. (walks away into back of dark alley) Snowkit: Now what do we do? (about one gazillion cats set up booths) Tigerstar: Hey, kid. (opens long trenchcoat) Want to buy a romance novel? Snowkit: (gags) Tigerstar: Come on, they’re not that bad! All cats: (are skeptical) Tigerstar: But I dedicated one to my mate! Goldenflower: In that case… (gulps) …I’ll take one. Sasha: You don’t have to do that, you know. Goldenflower: (sighs) Unfortunately, I do. He’s my mate. Sasha: What do you mean he’s your mate? He’s my mate! Leopardstar: Yeah, hate to get in this, especially as I’m dead, but I thought Tigerstar wanted to be my mate, for a while. Goldenflower & Sasha: What?!? Tigerstar: (slides away slowly) Mosswhisker: (runs by) Tigerstar’s a— Brightheart: ‘‘O’’kay then… Scourge: Medieval weaponry, get your medieval weaponry here! We got maces and lances and rapiers— Queens: Oh my! Kits: Ooh, Mommy, can I get one? Can I, can I, can I? Ferncloud: Not right now, kits. First we have to go look for the tom who was selling those beautiful romance novels! Kits: (gag) One of Mistyfoot’s unnamed kits: Can nobody save us? Stealthfire: Stealthfire, to the rescue! Stealthfire’s personal orchestra: Da da da, da da da da da… Moss: Ooh, she’s got an orchestra now? Stealthfire: (grabs Tigerstar by scruff) Tigerstar: Hey! What in the name of vegetarian meat sauce are you doing? Stealthfire: Ridding the world of bad romance novels once and for all! Kits: Yay! Ferncloud: (bawls) Tigerstar: Geez, what is ‘‘up’’ with all you she-cats now a days? You’re all a bunch of morons! She-cats: Hey! Toms: (whistle innocently) Stealthfire: Oh, I didn’t ‘‘drop’’ you, did I? Ah, well, that mass of angry she-cats should break your fall! (grins evilly) Moss: Hey, you’re not allowed to do that anymore! You’re a superhero! Tigerstar: (is falling) Stealthfire: How do you know? Tigerstar: (is still falling) Moss: Because, you said so earlier in the smoof. Remember? Tigerstar: (has been falling a long time now) Stealth: No. (smiles) Moss: Of course you don’t. Molepaw: (looks up at sky) Wow, it must sure be a long way down from up there! Sorreltail: Molepaw! (runs and huggles) Molepaw: (gags) Brightheart: Before Tigerstar falls and crashes, causing us to lose our moderate rating, let’s sing the End of the Show Song! This is the End of the Show, In case you didn’t know, But you really should have known by now, This is the End of the Show, Now let’s all do the disco! All Apprentices: Yay! (random clapping ensues) Squirrelflight: Yes indeed, folks, my client’s book on gagging, ‘‘Gagging: Its Techniques, Usage, and Various Dialects’’, will change your life, as just demonstrated by our excellent volunteers! Even supervillians own it! Stealth: (salutes) (winks at random tom sitting in front row) Tigerstar: (wolf whistles) Oh, yeah! Sasha & Goldenflower: (maul) Tigerstar: Help, I’m being attacked by she-cats! Squirrelflight: Call in the next thirty minutes and get your autographed copy free! (within five to seven business days) All Apprentices: Umm…
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