| abstract | - Francois was born and raised in the Pyrenees (Pronounced pee-run-knees) a mountain range in France. The mountains in fact derive their name from the copious streams of urine that often ran down hiker's legs as they fled after encountering Francois or and of his relatives. In his early child hood Francois was orphaned. His gay man-bear parents were both hunted down and killed in a shower a brilliant surprise attack during the winter months. The operation was undertaken by a team of ex-military hunting experts and was commissioned by the British for several reasons.
* To piss off the gays.
* To piss off the communists.
* To piss off the French.
* They were Godless Killing Machines defiling the Sanctity of Marriage.
* The Queen really fancies those big bear fur hats. (and you should too.)
* Mostly to piss off the French. The British, who had a certain sense of patriotic duty, weren't satisfied in simply usurping France's sovereignty and killing some gay bears in the back woods. They decided the French needed to be really pissed, Thoroughly Pissed! To facilitate the thorough piss offing of the French and to save on shipping, the Brits decided to process their bear carcasses on French soil. On the banks of the French River, they gutted ,drained, and skinned the bears they terminated. The flood of rotting bear blood, organs, and ass that subsequently inundated French cities was intended, by the British, to horrify the French citizenry. However, being smelly French citizenry the putrefying, reeking, swill that belched from faucets and showers and churned down the French River was unnoticed over the body odor and stale taste of cigarettes and French wine. Surprisingly, the French WERE infuriated at the sense of patriotic duty of the British. It seemed to point out the total lack of patriotic duty the French had displayed thus far in history. The French, being thoroughly pissed, over came their natural sense of Surrendery and began hurling hunks of stinky cheese and carafes of spoiled wine at British funded hunting grounds where ever they could be found. The British, having thoroughly pissed off the French and killed a plethora of Godless Killing Machines, decided it was Tea-Time, took their Balls, and went home. Francois, being a Godless Killing Machine, cared very little about the death of his gay man-bear parents, but hated the British and all hunters for stealing and dismembering the corpses of the animals they liberated. The wastefulness they showed in draining and disposing of blood was considered a sin under Francois' Bearism beliefs. He had to sit, hour after hour, not in mourning but in agony, as he watched the only thing for which he thirsted(blood) wash into oblivion down the malodorous French River. After the British left the bank, the young Francois cried and struggled to lap what remained of a glorious feast from between the sharp shale stones of the river bank. Only the inevitable cutting and bleeding of his own tongue would satisfy his blood lust on that night, but from that day forward Francois has desired nothing more than revenge on the British and by extension the Americans. His unquenchable rage first manifested itself in his extreme alcoholism. At the first French Communist meeting he attended he drank more bottles of wine than the rest of the members combined, got belligerent, and tried to force several of the other members to toss his salad. However his communist butt buddies used their ass piratetry to break his alcoholism, and Francois began to forget Americans and his dreams of murderous blood drinking terrorism. Francois concentrated on working for gay communist rights in his homeland and spelunking the rectal cavities of his blood thirsty brethren. Until, one fateful day at a special 23rd Annual Gay French Communist Coalition conference Francois caught an episode of the Colbert Report while waiting in the hotel lobby. The magnitude of the truthiness was so intense, that when it met the infinitely truthistant structure of Francois it nearly truthicuted him. His guts aching, Francois immediately went to the hotel bar for several boxes of wine. He emerged the same smelly drunken Godless Killing Machines he had become after the death of his parents. Colbert's dashing good looks and obvious brilliance caused Francois to reaffirm his blood thirsty vow for revenge against America with infinitely more fervor. He has stalked the sleaziest regions of Beardom ever since looking for any means to his blood thirsty ends! He has been involved in many Terrorist acts including the death of Grizzly Adams.
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