| Property | Value |
|---|
| rdfs:label | - Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Souvlaki(2)
|
| rdfs:comment | - 17:25, November 12, 2011 (UTC) I'll get this. -- 19:12, January 14, 2012 (UTC)
|
| dcterms:subject | |
| Mcomment | |
| Pcomment | - Nothing further to say here other than give this a very thorough proofread. I know you're not a native speaker so I apologise if I sound harsh, but good prose is vital in written comedy.
|
| Icomment | - Well, the two you have are great, but could be larger. I would say you need more though, and you definitely need one in the intro . Then again, the article isn't very long so you'd probably only really have room for one more, unless you expand it.
|
| Pscore | |
| Ccomment | - There isn't really much of a concept. At times it seems confused because you switch from insulting souvlaki to praising it, and at no point do you really describe what it is. Try to remain consistent in your viewpoint and go into detail about what souvlaki is. There are some funny ideas, but surely there is a lot more you can say on the subject. The article as a whole is almost a stub.
|
| Cscore | |
| Hcomment | - --03-01
- The big paragraph about Zeus is just way too random. It's not convincing, so it doesn't make me laugh. You can't be realistic throughout an article and then just deviate into a crazy story about magical beings. Some of the jokes are confusing too. Why have you crossed out hell and put heck? They mean the same thing?
The first noticeable joke here is the one about kebabs. It's nowhere near as funny as it could be though. There's no punch line; you just insult it. For example, it's funnier to say "Titanic is a film I will only watch again should I want to induce vomiting in the event that I lost my fingers" rather than "Titanic is a shit, worthless film". It's wordier, more surprising and more interesting than just a bland insult.
*"Have currently come to a stop" - This is a bit clumsy. Do you mean "come to a halt?" Or just "stopped?"
*"Denied to give it to them" - Again this is clumsy.
*"With the name kebab" - This would read a lot more smoothly if it said "called kebab".
*"It gained reputation and funs all over the world" - I think you mean "it gained a reputation and fans all over the world".
*In the third paragraph, you don't need a comma after "trade"
*"Has caused" - This should just be "caused".
*"Small but this time huge" - This simply makes no sense. How can it be small an huge?
*"Other countries got also involved" - This should be "other countries also got involved".
*The WWII joke is pretty funny, but could be executed better. Brackets tend to ruin the flow a little and make punch lines look obvious. Try saying something like "The Great Souvlaki War, known around Western Europe as World War II".
*"For the record the Greeks lost a fortune during this war" - More clumsy prose, try "the Greeks lost a fortune during the war".
*"And today " - Again the brackets make it look unprofessional. I'd just say "As of 2020".
*"Take revenge from the Germans" - This doesn't make sense. You can "get revenge on", but not "take revenge from".
List of possible interpretations of word "souvlaki" For the average eater
- This is way too listy which really ruins the funny ideas of what souvlaki can be. I would suggest, instead, making this a running gag throughout the article. Say, for instance, each time you mention souvlaki you describe it as being something from the list, getting sillier each time. It's up to you of course, but the list is simply too predictable and lacking in comic timing.
Overall thoughts
- *"American Greeks eat MacDonald’s and all Greeks are happy with this, for otherwise they would have mixed it with shit, the main ingredient in American traditional kitchen." - This is a decent joke but the way it's worded is confusing. I had to read it a few times to understand it fully.
*"Recipe is being seasoned" - Get rid of the word "being" and this will be fine.
*"Male flies and female cockroaches" - Why are the genders important? It just makes it harder to read.
*"Stuff that was" - could just be "which".
*"For the German readers I’d like to stress that this comment has nothing to do with the war; for other readers I stress nothing" - I couldn't really make sense of this to be honest. Take another look and explain yourself carefully.
*"Exceptionally snack" - This should just be "exceptional".
*"With the name Athanasios Diakos." - This would make more sense if it said "which was called Athanasios Diakos".
Souvlaki: Its shocking story
- Hey Mimo. Sorry you've had to wait so long for a review. There is some good stuff here, but I think I've found a few things you should take another look at. I will deal with humour and prose together because most of the issues involve clumsy prose that ultimately ruins most of the jokes. Anyway, here are a few infelicities:
Intro
|
| Iscore | |
| Hscore | |
| Fcomment | - Ok, so there are some good parts here but you need to 1. sort out the clumsy prose and 2. get more jokes in there. It could also do with an expansion as it's pretty short and cursory in places. Apart from that, good work. If there's anything I've said here that you want me to explain better, or if you want my opinion on anything I might have missed, or even if you're just lonely, please let me know on my talky page and I'll try to help. Keep up the good work and I hope the review is ok.
|
| dbkwik:uncyclopedia/property/wikiPageUsesTemplate | |
| Signature | |
| abstract | - 17:25, November 12, 2011 (UTC) I'll get this. -- 19:12, January 14, 2012 (UTC)
|
