| rdfs:comment | - From: Payo on Twitter
- Oscars, also known as Academy Awards, are Hollywood's garish annual reach-around. They are awarded by movie industry shills in an attempt to promote Tinseltown's liberal Hate America Firster agenda. Despite what the media says, an Oscar is not as good as an Emmy. For proof consider that Stephen Colbert's brilliance has been recognised with an Emmy but not an Oscar. Meanwhile, traitorous commie Susan Sarandon has got an Oscar but not an Emmy. Nixo facto Oscars are inferior.
- Sometimes, it may seem like the Academy has invented an arbitrary set of stupidly biased rules that prevent any good movie from winning anything. But don't worry! They are invented with purpose, and although this rule book has been heavily edited and amended, its purpose remains a wonderfully idealistic and inspiring one: fuck cinematic merit, reward hackneyed cliche. Following are excerpts from this rulebook:
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| abstract | - From: Payo on Twitter
- Oscars, also known as Academy Awards, are Hollywood's garish annual reach-around. They are awarded by movie industry shills in an attempt to promote Tinseltown's liberal Hate America Firster agenda. Despite what the media says, an Oscar is not as good as an Emmy. For proof consider that Stephen Colbert's brilliance has been recognised with an Emmy but not an Oscar. Meanwhile, traitorous commie Susan Sarandon has got an Oscar but not an Emmy. Nixo facto Oscars are inferior.
- Sometimes, it may seem like the Academy has invented an arbitrary set of stupidly biased rules that prevent any good movie from winning anything. But don't worry! They are invented with purpose, and although this rule book has been heavily edited and amended, its purpose remains a wonderfully idealistic and inspiring one: fuck cinematic merit, reward hackneyed cliche. Following are excerpts from this rulebook:
* "'Rule 1: The Academy Awards must be longer in length than Titanic, Gone with the Wind, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, and the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy, combined. If all awards are given out before the end of the ceremony, the Academy will start doing other things with the remaining time, such as praising Citizen Kane.
* Rule 2: In order to be nominated, the actor's movie character must be gay, retarded, or naked throughout the whole film.
* Rule 5: The Academy Awards shall begin with a CGI intro which will showcase eye-popping blockbusters such as The Wizard of Oz, Star Wars, and Spider-Man. This does not mean that these films shall actually win the Award for Best Picture. See rule 22.
* Rule 22: The Award for Best Picture shall go to a boring, overwrought, hackneyed film steeped in melodramatic cliché and one-dimensional characters. Anyone wishing to complain may send letters to the large incinerator we keep in the basement, right next to the only known bad reviews of Citizen Kane.
* Rule 55: The Academy shall never give Martin Scorsese a Best Director award. If he wishes to complain he may do so into the already-mentioned incinerator.
* Rule 220: No science-fiction movie, no matter how eye-popping, revolutionary, or thought-provoking, shall ever win an Oscar. Sorry, they're just not Citizen Kane.
* Rule 221: Same goes for comic-book movies.
* Rule 222: And Pixar films too, but they've got their own category (see Rule 1,001).
* Rule 1,001: The Best Animated Picture Award shall always go to the Pixar nominee, since it's not like there's anything else to vote for. Monsters vs Aliens, anyone?
* Rule 1,040: The awards for all the boring, irrelevant categories that no one wants to see, like "Best Costumes" and "Best Art Direction," shall be done first, and the important ones shall be done last, late at night, when everyone has gone to bed. Nevertheless, we will wonder about the low Nielsen ratings.
* Rule 1,500 1/2: Anyone receiving any award must give a thank you speech at least twice as long as Barack Obama's inaugurational address.
* Rule 2,001: Films are the highest form of art, at least for the purposes of Oscar Night.
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