| abstract | - Carl: Mindy, I just love this girl. Mindy: Jeremy looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see... Carl: I love how she writes songs about guys named Jeremy, instead of Billy or Bobby, or any of that phony country music (bleep). Mindy: She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts... Carl: I love how she can't imagine how the guy next door would EVER been interested in the girl who wears icky t-shirts. Mindy: And you were Romeo, I was the Scarlet Letter, and my daddy said, "Stay away from Juliet"... Carl: I love how she references "Romeo and Juliet" and "The Scarlet Letter" in just the right way that proves that she knows nothing about either of them. (sarcastically) This girl, she's just....adorable! Carl: And now, Mindy wants to tell us what's it like to be fifteen. Yes, at the oh-so-high age of fifteen, Mindy wants to tell us about her experiences. God bless her cute little button nose! Carl: Here's what it's like being fifteen. Nothing you do, like, think, or care about matters. The end. Sorry fifteen year olds, but it's true. If you don't believe me, wait till your twenty-five. Wait till your nineteen. Wait till your SIXTEEN. Or, ask Mindy. Cause that's what the song's about. Mindy: 'Cause when you're fifteen, and somebody tells you they love you, you're gonna believe them... Annotation: Translation: Fifteen year olds are stupid! Mindy: This is life before you know who you're gonna be... Annotation: Translation: I mean, REALLY stupid. Mindy: I didn't know it at fifteen.... Annotation: Translation: Like, 9000+1=90001 stupid. Carl: As far as messages go, I've certainly heard worse! Carl: Even so, I'm not convinced that Mindy knows what's she talking about. Mindy: Those senior boys, who wink at you and say... Carl: Wishing to get hit on by creepy senior boys? (sarcastically) Yeah, I totally did that. Mindy: And then you're on your very first date, and he's got a car... Carl: A date with a boy with a car? (sarcastically) Yeah, that happened too. Mindy: You sit in class next to a redhead named Candace, and soon enough you're best friends... Carl: (sarcastically) Well, that's the best thing about high school! Sitting next to a redhead named Candace, and suddenly you're best friends! I remember all of this happening to me, except for the part where NONE of that EVER happened to me. Boy, that second-person pronoun is causing me all sorts of problems here. When Mindy meant, "when you're fifteen", she actually meant "when you're fifteen and you're an attractive blonde girl". And I'm not an attractive blonde girl, so none of this applies to me, especially the parts about dating or having friends. I wish she would just cut the (bleep) and say "when Mindy was fifteen", but that wouldn't have fit the meter. Carl: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm not a girl, so this doesn't apply to me, but I have to feel bad for all the late bloomers out there listening to Mindy expecting to walk into ninth grade and come out of it with a boyfriend. Yeah, Mindy, some of us had to wait a little longer..........Not me, of course.....well, I said earlier, but....like, when I was in ninth grade, I was King Romeo of the school......there was like......can we move on? Mindy: And when you're fifteen, feeling like there's nothing to figure out... Carl...........WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT!? I, and everyone else I know, was an insecure, emotional train wreck at fifteen! Granted, there are some confident and cocky fifteen year olds out there, but am I really supposed to believe that "ugly duckling girl next door" Mindy was one of them? (a picture of Mindy dressed like a nerd pops up. Carl writes a caption that says "'Ugly Duckling' was her saying, not mine") Mindy: Back then, I swore I was gonna marry him someday.... Carl: This is important, this is the big "emotional part" everyone talks about. Mindy: And Candace gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind, we both cried... Carl: That means doing "it", right? "Gave everything she had to a boy"? Otherwise, Candace just gave this boy all her stuff. I'm pretty sure she's talking about doing "it". I'm not sure Candace, who's a real person by the way (screen shows Candace in the music video), I'm not sure she needs you revealing all her dark secrets. And that's a really degrading way of putting that, "gave everything she had". A woman is more than her body, Mindy. But that is a sad story. We've all got our sad stories. I remember my freshman year. My brother and I wanted to go around the world so we could prove to this idiot that we could achieve the impossible, and we brought a bunch of our friends with us. We stopped at Paris to refuel. My sister wanted to know if the guy of her dreams was cheating on her or not, and my brother wanted to hook up with this older girl that came with us on the trip. Meanwhile, my best friend sang this romantic song to me, but I didn't listen. Soon after, I realized I had feelings for her, but she was already mad and I really didn't know what to do. Things worked out for my sister in the end, but not for my brother, since the older girl ended up ditching us. Then we got stranded on an island.....crying happened, my sister was ticked off, and this idiot who came along with us kept taunting me. I even made that girl who sang the song to me cry. I almost lost it. As far as high school goes, that's probably the worst thing that's ever happened to me.....Except for the part where NONE of that EVER happened to me. That happened to Phineas Flynn on "Summer Belongs To You". Isabella: (crying) I don't know what to do.....we were in Paris! And....he didn't even notice me.....(blows her nose) (screen cuts to Phineas having a mental breakdown) Carl: So imagine I've told you that whole story, but it's about my friend Phineas now. The story really loses it impact, no matter how sad you are about it, and believe me, I /was/ sad about it. Why? Cause it's easy to be honest and emotional about something that happened to SOMEONE ELSE! By all means, Mindy, spread more of that hot gossip on Candace, but what happened to you? Weren't you dating a boy with a car? Mindy: Back then, I swore I was gonna marry him someday, but I realized some bigger dreams than mine... Carl: That's it? That's all you're gonna share? What happened? Why did you break up? Did he beat up his brother with nunchucks? Did he cheat on you with Stacy Hirano? Was he called back to his home planet!? You've got nothing to say about this, huh? And somehow I'm supposed to care that Mindy cries for Candace? That's too distant! I'm not gonna be sad that Mindy's sad that Candace's sad. And you know what, people think this is the saddest story in the world, and they want to share their own sad stories. Good for them. I'm sure they have their reasons and I'm sure they want to share those reasons.......Please don't. I don't have anything to do with that information. I'm not going to sit here and be sad because you're sad that Mindy's sad that Candace's sad. Carl: Let's be serious, this part was always going to be about Candace. Because Mindy would never write a song where SHE gives it up at age fifteen. Maybe that (bleep) redhead Candace does that, not Mindy. Mindy lives in this perpetual Normal Rockwell world where she's always had her first kiss last week, and has friends like Candace, or Wendy, or Mandy, probably. Carl: I do think that Mindy is a talented song writer with a lot of potential. But seriously? Wake me up when she's had two divorces, develops a drinking habit, and starts making some actual country music. (episode ends)
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