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| rdfs:label | - Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:TotalCuddles02/The Penultimate World War
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| rdfs:comment | - I want to see if the article is good before I move it to the mainspace. TC02 (Chat with me) 11:48, December 5, 2013 (UTC) {{Review request|11:48, December 5, 2013 (UTC)}}
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| dcterms:subject | |
| Mcomment | - Your article was written in two days and has some solid foundation and multiple strong points. For this only, it deserves a recognition!
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| Pcomment | - You master English well enough to build an article and to lead the reader along your story. However, the good aspects coexist with the not-so-good ones, as they mostly often do in our world. What I noticed, is that you seem to be concentrating a lot on recounting all the events that you invented and even support them with maps. Therefore, "The Penultimate World War" is flooded by that storytelling. You even seem to have sacrificed some of your original thoughts to your story. And a good story is the one that carries the writer's ideas and even lifts them higher!
Another important thing is to keep your spelling and punctuation consistent. Do not abandon capital letters at the beginning of the sentences and commas! Watch out for some abbreviations such as 'jk', which do not make your War funnier!
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| Icomment | - I see that you spent much time on making your images and choosing the appropriate ones. What is good is that apart from the maps, you also have some other illustrations . And if you really think that they deserve a place in your article, then put them there with respect! Do not leave them alone in little corners and take time to make short and funny comments to them! But if you hesitate, you can always try to find other, more original illustrations, or create some yourself, or ask some advice from other users!
What concerns the maps, they were filled with colors very carefully, so nice work with them! However, the maps in The Last World War were done a bit differently, and a bit more accurately. Finally, the purpose of them in that article was to make "the Last War" look ridiculous, while in yours they illustrate your story. This is not necessarily bad, but some modifications will help!
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| Hcomment | - I wanted to start with concept and not with humor, but as noblesse the template obliges me to do this, I will start with humor and not the concept.
Your jokes are not bad, and some of them are good! However, many aspects of your article have been borrowed from another one, to which I would like to return in Concept.
My main suggestion is this: if you would like to really make your work better, you have to reconsider many aspects of your writing and judge them on their originality and funniness. It is very hard to be completely original, I understand, and especially when you are influenced by another good writing, but you can at least try to introduce some ideas of your own, which can be even more interesting and funny than the ones that have influenced you . What I think you need to change is:
*Obama. Won't he be already dead in the 324st century B.C.? And if not, how come he is still a politician and how come he starts a war? Yes, even though "Uncyclopedia is an encyclopedia full of misinformation and utter lies", there are still many things you have to explain, if you don't want to take them off your writing completely. The goal which you should pursue, if you want to get a well-developed mature writing , is to be as funny as possible. And your Obama seems to be completely unnecessary, unless you tried to say something clever, using him.
*Uncyclopedia?
*Dates. Yes, we know that the war you are talking about is situated in future , but why do you state these strange years with such precision, as if you really really needed them for your concept? Are you sure the help you to achieve something?
*Actually, the above concerns all the other numbers that are present in your article.
*Random people and accidents coming and leaving. Again, you maybe need to reconsider the content that you give to the readers...
But don't despair! And here comes...
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| Fcomment | - You have a start , you have ideas and now you have suggestions! I think that the most important aspect for you is concept, but you have to review your images and do some proofreading as well!
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| Signature | |
| abstract | - I want to see if the article is good before I move it to the mainspace. TC02 (Chat with me) 11:48, December 5, 2013 (UTC) {{Review request|11:48, December 5, 2013 (UTC)}}
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