| abstract | - The most controversial issue on the SHS campus is the government's rationing of Twinkies. This measure, enacted by Phoebe III in 1994, was intended to reduce the acute shortage of Twinkies at SHS and ensure that every person had access to at least four boxes of Twinkies a week. While this program did reduce sugar withdrawals, it also mean that those students who had come to depend on eating a box of Twinkies every day were left with insufficient nourishment and were forced to seek other foods to consume. Many argued that the hiring of Hostess as a caterer (and the bulk discounts that followed) meant that the supply of Twinkies should increase and rationing should no longer be necessary. However, after the dot-com bubble burst, the Stoner treasury was at considerable financial hardship and it was not possible to purchase any more than four boxes of Twinkies per person per week even with the new bulk discounts. With the US's improved economy in the past few years, the most recent regency of Tiffany III has made it a policy goal to eliminate Twinkies rationing by 2007, and Queen-Elect Sophie I has pledged to continue this course. Some have suggested that, in keeping with the generally free market at Stoner, that the government Twinkie monopoly be broken up. Opponents of this plan argue that unlike beer and kitten huffing, Twinkies are dangerous when consumed in excess numbers and that the control of their distribution is necessary for public safety, citing several reports of extreme hyperactivity and property damage caused by people who had consumed upwards of sixteen boxes of Twinkies and one fellow in particular who had had twenty. Supporters of Twinkie privatization point out that the guy who ate twenty boxes of Twinkies got the last sixteen of them on the black market (mostly consisting of brown-bag lunches made by the parents of anorexic students) and that Twinkie regulation, much like alcohol regulation during Prohibition, was essentially unenforceable. “What do you call a Twinkie privatization supporter who just got jumped by a Stoner on a sugar high? A Twinkie privatization opponent. But a bottle of jack... never any harm in that.” ~ Arnold Wooster, Boozer-in-Chief of the Stoner High Brown Keg Party on Twinkie privatization. “Look now, you've got crack and kittens being sold freely on campus in addition to hard liquor by the case, and you're saying Twinkies are too dangerous for the open market? What happened to equal protection?!” ~ Christine Axegrinder, General Secretary of the Stoner High Brown Coffeepot Syndicate on Twinkie privatization The issue promises to be a high-profile question during elections for years to come.
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