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| rdfs:label | - Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Wilt Chamberlain
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| rdfs:comment | - Maniac wrote this and I did some substantial editing/rewriting. It's okay, is it? 20:11, October 10, 2011 (UTC) Let's do it. -- 21:17, November 18, 2011 (UTC)
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| Mcomment | - The amount of women I have fucked, plus 9.
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| Pcomment | - Just a few prose issues here; nothing serious. Mostly just stuff where jokes could be funnier.
In the intro: "most women slept with... ever!" This would probably be funnier if you worded it more, uh, neutrally? Know what I mean? Basically get rid of the ellipsis and exclamation mark.
Early years: "in 1938 he was there to stay" I'm not sure what you/Maniac mean by this. Also in that section: "Wilt began his profession in Basketball, where at first he was told he would never be any good at it because he was too tall and a black man." Great line, the first one I really laughed hard at, but it is worded in a bit of a clumsy way. You kind of stagger along as you read it and it ruins the punch line. The sentence immediately following this is the same actually. Oh, and also the one that begins; "Soon he was so damn good at it".
The caption of the last picture is a bit confusing too. I'd take another look at that. There seems to be a disagreement of tenses or something.
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| Icomment | - No complaints here really. There could be one or two more of them though, maybe. Three doesn't seem very many at all.
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| Pscore | |
| Ccomment | - No complaints here. None at all.
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| Mscore | |
| Hcomment | - Overall this is pretty good, Froggy. Nice work. Couple of things, though.
In the intro, I didn't really get the buffalo fucking line. I looked up Dennis Rodman and still don't get it. Are they a team? By "fucking" do you mean he beat them? That'd be pretty funny and clever. Or is it just a bit of random crudity? If that's the case I can't really say I'm a fan. It's hard to say because, as I said, I don't really get it.
The Dr. Phil quote is funny but doesn't make much sense, at least at this point. The first half of the article seems pretty convinced that Wilt did sleep with all those women, so putting this here just confuses things. Perhaps you could rework the joke into a later part of the article, once the question has been posited that Wilt might not have slept with all those women. You should probably state it as an opinion some people have rather than an opening quote from the largely irrelevant Dr. Phil .
The list of conquests is good. A few of the names repeat. Is that intentional? Charlotte the Spider and Judy Garland for instance. I guess it doesn't matter either way, I was just wondering. Nice to see Kate Bush in there too... lucky guy.
"Scored 100 points in a game nearly halting progress on the world's first scoreboard." I don't get this, but then I know nothing about basketball. I guess I should just ask if it makes sense. If so, then it's cool.
"Only member in the NBA who ever fucked a basketball to death" - his own death, perhaps?
"Pickles, the magical basketball-playing boar." I don't know if that's a real thing but I love it, haha!
The dingo line doesn't seem like it really has any place here, unless I'm missing something. I'd get rid of it.
"Did anyone actually see him score 100 points?" I suggest you stop here, with this bullet point, I mean. The line about his lips moving ruins it in my opinion: it's an old joke and overexplains things. In this case less is more . If you really don't want to cut it I guess it could be a footnote?
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| Fcomment | - Good work mate. You'll probably get another feature out of it once you've ironed out the minor problems. I hope the review is ok.
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| Signature | |
| abstract | - Maniac wrote this and I did some substantial editing/rewriting. It's okay, is it? 20:11, October 10, 2011 (UTC) Let's do it. -- 21:17, November 18, 2011 (UTC)
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