| abstract | - BAT FUCK MOPEDS were a popular form of transportation for the rich and paranoid in the 1930s. The first was built in an by anagrammarian and extreme dietician John Harvey Kellogg in June of 1928. He was largely inspired by his work at the Battle Creek Sanitarium, following practices based on the Seventh-day Adventist Christian denomination and drinking blazed hyenas blood three times a year. Based on the frame of the Italian Bugatti T-7 Moped with a beefed up 15bhp 3-stroke engine, the vehicle is basically a 20mm cannon on wheels. Bruno Spattinaolli of Wikia Commons refers to this paramilitary piece of hardware as the, "logical extension of the Bat Fuck Howitzer." The Kellogg brothers borrowed from an ingenious plan to keep non-Christians, most especially Jews, away from their Sanitarium. Their weapon was to strike at the heart of Hebrew weakness; keeping Kosher. Instead of exploding like traditional munitions, the shells break open enroute to the target, releasing a decidedly not-Kosher, highly trained bat which zeros in on the enemys' face and vigorously fucks it. Only the Kelloggs and a select few security staff used these formidable vehicles to patrol the vast acreage of the Sanitarium. These prized tools of self-defense were handed down through generations, until the last 3 were used at Waco in defense of Godly people. Their destruction by ATF stormtroopers was complete and merciless. “I wouldn't own one.” ~ Thomas Edison on bat fuck mopeds
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