| abstract | - Pop-Tarts® are a flat rectangular toaster pastry first created by accident during the Manhattan Project. They are possibly the most dangerous breakfast food item ever introduced in the major market, with a 97%-uranium filling vacuum sealed between two layers of medium-density fiberboard, which makes them the ideal fuel-source for nuclear generators. On the top is usually a thin layer of frosting, made from either the blood of a virgin or the saliva of the three-headed canine guardian of Hell's gate, Cerberus (depending on what flavor you buy). Sometimes it's both. The main ingredient is evil. They are usually sold in pairs inside packages made of human flesh. Frosted Pop-Tarts® are not suitable for vegetarians, as they contain gelatin. At first, Pop-Tarts® were not frosted because it was believed that the frosting would melt in the toaster and result in nuclear criticality. However, the Russians discovered that the frosting could survive the toaster in what is now known as "RDS-1". The first frosted Pop-Tarts® were released in Leningrad in 1950 under the name Red Squares. This is because in Mother Russia, tarts pop you. Since their creation, Pop-Tarts® have served as the epitome by which all not-nice things are measured. Pop-Tarts® may look and taste edible, but actually slowly kill you from the inside out. The CIA theorizes that the Weapons of Mass Destruction they were looking for might be Pop-Tarts® or at least Pop-Tarts® are a key asset. Pop-Tarts® are Kelloggs' most popular brand, selling more than two billion Pop-Tarts® each year. For tax reasons, Pop-Tarts® are considered to be cookies and should always be pronounced as a plural, never "Pop-Tart" or "Funtangle" in the singular form. They are distributed mainly in the United States, but are also available in the United Kingdom, Australia, and Hell.
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