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| rdfs:label | - Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Bugs Bunny
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| rdfs:comment | - Ilovecheeseandsausage (talk) 23:20, July 8, 2012 (UTC) I'll have a shot at this.-- 04:38, July 28, 2012 (UTC) Finished. This is my first review, so hopefully I've done everything right.
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| Mcomment | - All the scores averaged, which is also my overall score for the article anyway.
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| Pcomment | - Formatting isn't everything, but it's good have your article looking neat so it won't put off the reader. Delete the unnecessary spaces between sections, make the images a little larger and space them out by putting some to the left side, add links, and remove the table of contents .
Your prose is fine, it just needs some polishing so it can flow better. Some sentences are too long and need to broken up, others just need commas so they can be easier to read. For example, you could break up this sentence: "Curiously enough, Bugs Bunny enrolled himself in the military with the Allies, hoping to assassinate Adolf Hitler personally using his best friend, a sniper rifle loaded with 24 karat bullets." By writing it as: "Curiously enough, Bugs Bunny enrolled himself in the military with the Allies at the age of 20. He had hoped to assassinate Adolf Hitler personally, using his best friend: a sniper rifle loaded with 24 karat bullets."
You also seem to use ellipses in your sentences a lot. It's fine to structure your sentences with them once or twice, but an alternative is to simply start a new sentence.
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| Icomment | - The pictures in themselves are not incredibly funny, but the 'baby carrot' and 'bunny heaven' captions was amusing. I think you could come with a funnier caption to the parachute one, though; it looks to me like Bugs is trying to sell Mickey some carrots mid-parachute. I'd also like to see some pictures that are related to the jokes you make in the article itself.
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| Pscore | |
| Ccomment | - Bugs Bunny is a very good source for humour. He’s got a quirky personality, he’s unkillable, and he’s a talking rabbit. Your article describes him as if he was a real person, which has opened up more doors for comedy material. So you get points for that.
But I want you to be stronger with this theme, because it tends to lapse. Here's one way to go about it, which I recommend. Look up some Uncyclopedia or Wikipedia pages and see how they talk about a real life celebrity. Try and write in a more factual tone, keeping in mind that you’re painting Bugs as a real person. You don't have to try to write like a Wikipedia writer, but at least try to sound serious, and especially so in the introduction so it can set the scene for the rest of the article. This will make it funnier, and give you some more ideas for jokes. Trying to explain his abnormal abilities in real-life terms, for example, or detailing his childhood escapades... or how he eventually died. There’s a lot more you can do with this concept, but do that you've got to be stronger with the theme.
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| Hcomment | - This is not a bad article. It's quite amusing in places, and you've got some good ideas that you've touched on. However, it’s not laugh-aloud funny. There are only a couple of actual gags, and their execution isn’t perfect. Looking at some of your other articles, I can see this is the same case with most of your work. While you have some quirky ideas, none of them really accumulate into any great jokes. This is because you need to learn how to structure your humour better if you want to get a gag out of it.
Of course, it takes practice to become a good humorist who can write jokes with structure. Read this article if you haven’t already, because it has some good tips. Just as important, though, is that you read as many featured articles on Uncyclopedia as possible. You can just click the 'Random Feature' button to get started. Reading other people's works is an important part of improving your writing; you’ll start to get a feel for when and how they do their jokes. If you’re up to it, analyse a joke and try to work out why it was funny. Was it irony? Repetition? Pure absurdity?
There a few reasons why your ideas specifically aren't working as jokes in your article. I’m not an expert, but I’ll go over the main points:
*More writing does not equal more funny. Don’t always make your jokes once sentence long, but keeping them short and snappy makes good jokes and keeps the reader interested. Cut out unnecessary words and tighten up your gags.
*Make punchlines unexpected. You need to build up, and then finish them in a way the reader doesn’t expect. Complete absurdity can be funny if in small doses, but good punchlines are still relevant to what you were talking about.
*Use some repepition. If you have a funny idea, repeat it a few times throughout the article; ideally when the reader doesn't expect it. This a very common and very effective technique.
Writing good jokes still takes practice though. Use other material as inspiration to your gags, and if you keep at it you will get better and better. Same with pretty much anything else.
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| Fcomment | - This an amusing article with a few issues that are holding it back. To sum it all up in easy-to-read dot points:
*Try to structure your ideas into jokes. Use unexpected punchlines, repetition and try to tighten up your gags.
*Try to be consistent in style and theme. Research how Wikipedia articles talk about real-life celebrities and apply this to Bugs Bunny.
*Fix up your formatting, and edit the article so your prose reads well and flows.
And that's it. Keep writing and keep editing.
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| Signature | |
| abstract | - Ilovecheeseandsausage (talk) 23:20, July 8, 2012 (UTC) I'll have a shot at this.-- 04:38, July 28, 2012 (UTC) Finished. This is my first review, so hopefully I've done everything right.
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