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| rdfs:label | - Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/user:finnius/how2
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| rdfs:comment | - I have finished a 1st draft. And would like to hear about any changes, additions, etc. Thanks everyone! Hey Finnius! Let's get started. -- 15:19, 7 November 2007 (UTC)
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| dcterms:subject | |
| Mcomment | |
| Pcomment | - nearly adequate. Lists, and other things. Please check my comments in Humor for the problems in grammar and so forth.
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| Icomment | - Above average pictures except for poor old Monty up there . I'm not a good judge on pictures, so I don't know what kind of advice to give you. I think you need a picture up there, so getting rid of him and not replacing is a bad idea.
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| Pscore | |
| Ccomment | - I like the idea of this. However, you lose points for various reasons:
*Who the hell is the narrator? If there is no narrator, you shouldn't refer to the reader as "you".
*Listy, very listy. At least it's not random.
*It's just an explanation without much flava
Here are some ideas:
*Please give the narrator some character. Why is this guy an expert on starting cults??
*Cults through history section, maybe?
*Examples, please!
*Compare a cult to a famous religion?
*Compare a cult to a country ?
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| Cscore | |
| Hcomment | - avg of all the sections
* 2 Step Right Up '
nearly adequate introduction, no "lol" factor. At least I know what the article is about. Now, what kind of advice do I give? Hmm... What is the source of all humor? I don't know, I think shortening it would be best. HowTo:Start A Religion isn't necessary. Skip those sentences.
* 2.1 Understanding People '
I'm stupid so it took me a little bit of time to understand that first sentence . Why is the monty python introduction guy there?? Oh, man, you have a reference note, too. Again, I guess making it shorter would be okay, but it seems like this stuff is kinda necessary. Why is there a list?
* 2.2 The Doctrine '
Adequate, but I'm starting to have an epiphany. Maybe it's really hard to have an explanation of something be funny! I know, because I just finished an article very similar to this in that it was an explanation. What this article needs is a running example of a cult in progress through the article. I'm confused as to who the narrator is, also.
* 2.3 Create a need, and fill it '
Oh, poor form: it's just a list with an awkward paragraph in the middle! Tidy this up, and the funny would come shining through.
* 2.4 The Details '
Ah, this part was fun. Still pretty lengthy and ugly, though.
* 3.1 Two Choices '
That was clunky, and had weird grammar. I was about to say "perfect spelling and grammar" on this, but it is not so.
* 3.1.1 The Typical Choice '
Adequate, I guess. I'm not sure how to make this more funny... I guess I'll just say get rid of the unnecessary parts, but I'm not even sure where that would be.
* 3.1.2 An Alternative '
Above average lol factor. This gives me another epiphany, see concept.
* 4 References
Get rid of the reference. You don't need it: let people look up "obfuscate" for themselves.
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| Iscore | |
| Hscore | - (6+5+7+5+8+6+7+8)/8 round1
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| Fcomment | - Keep going on this project, it will get better with time. Don't get discouraged with my score, there are other people out there. Come by and see me sometime!
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| Signature | |
| abstract | - I have finished a 1st draft. And would like to hear about any changes, additions, etc. Thanks everyone! Hey Finnius! Let's get started. -- 15:19, 7 November 2007 (UTC)
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