| abstract | - Rita Repulsa: Ah! It's the nicest weather the moon has ever had. It's time to conquer Earth! (Cut to the Power Ranger HQ with a sign out that says "NOT A Secret Headquarters") Zordon: Curses! Rita has escaped. (Zordon in this instance being played by Malcolm Ray) Recruit a whiny Internet celebrity with attitude. Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it-- (He's soon zapped into a transport beam with him screaming on the way over. He's soon confused by the opening being like an episode of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers) Singer: Go Nostalgia Critic! NC: STOP IT! What's going on here? Why am I in the 60s version of the Batcave? (turns around and is a little startled) Oh, God. Zordon: Greetings. I am Zordon, the big weird head. NC: Uh, I think your Skype connection needs a little work there, buddy, you're coming in all blurry. Why don't I fiddle with these knobs? Wizard: I am Oz! Vigo: I, Vigo, the Scourge of Carpathia... Zordon: Stop it! I have brought you here because Rita, our oldest and most embarrassing enemy, has returned. She wishes to foil the Power Rangers' 20th Anniversary. NC: What? Why? Zordon: Because she's the most pathetic villain we've ever had (clips of Rita being annoying are shown) and resents the show for it, for she wants to see everything connected to the Power Rangers destroyed. NC: Well, what do you need me for? I'm just a critic comedian. A... critic-ian. Zordon: That's precisely why we need you. (Cut to a TV showing Rita being annoying) Rita has taken over every screen in the world and is showing one of the Power Rangers' most despised projects. NC: *gasp* You don't mean...? Zordon: Yes. (turning to the viewers) Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie. NC (vo): You want me to review the sequel to the first Power Rangers film? I didn't even like the show growing up. I was too old for it. NC: I thought it was a silly exercise in combining Saved By the Bell with Godzilla stock footage. (Image of Saved By the Bell and Godzilla are shown) Zordon: Exactly. The more you can tear this movie apart, the more it will lose its power. NC: I don't know. I feel a little strange ripping into something that's been around for 20 years. Rita: Come on, Nostalgia Critic! Are you afraid? You should be! Even the fans don't like this movie! And once they're reminded of how stupid it all was, they'll remember how stupid the show was too! The Rangers will be destroyed, and I will be the greatest villain forever! AHAHAHAHAHA! NC: Alright, you poorly dubbed vixen, I'm not afraid of any film! Bring it on! This is Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie. NC (vo): So, yeah, to start off, why is it called that anyway? I get the Turbo part oddly enough, (Pictures of Street Fighter II Turbo, TurboPlay magazine and the TurboGraphx 16) it was the word of the week. But doesn't some of the epic-ness get lost when you refer to it as just A Power Rangers movie? Doesn't that make it sound a little bit more run-of-the-mill? Like the writers were asking "What kind of big, massive story should we tell?" And the producers were like "I don't care, just make A Power Rangers movie. Throw in a boring, long winded Star Wars scroll for all I care." Movie Zordon: (narrating) On a distant planet lives a great wizard named Lerigot. NC (vo): Oh boy, this is gonna be a slooow movie, isn't it? Look at that. The narrator is waiting for the text to come up so he can read it! Movie Zordon: (narrating) ...Golden Key which unlocks the dimensional gateways of the universe. (Beat) Lerigot... NC (vo): Nothing like starting off a movie named Turbo with some slow, monotonous, awkwardly paced text. NC (vo): We see on Planet Moldy Cookie that there's a group of soldiers chasing after...(seeing Lerigot for the first time) oh, Jesus. A Warwick Davis Pail Kid. NC (vo): This... terrifying concoction is actually a wizard named Lerigot. (Cut to the main villain of the movie) And an evil pirate named Divatox - yeah I know, it sounds like a butt injection (a mock product of Divatox is shown) - is after him because she can use his magic to unleash an evil demon that she wants to use to conquer the universe. But let's face it. You're not listening to a thing I'm saying right now because you're still so focused on how amazingly bad that puppet is. Yeah, he only seems to have one expression throughout the entire film. He's like the Daniel Craig of Muppet Ewoks. NC (vo): But he uses his magic wand to escape to Earth where we see the Power Ranger girls are spending their time emotionally connecting and developing childrens' minds at the nearby shelter, and the boys are just kicking shit. (aggressive teen voice) "Uh! Yeah, that's what we do! Uh! Fuck the community, we can hit shit! Uh!" Trainer: No, now look! You're trying too hard! NC (vo): It turns out they're training for a tournament. But Power Ranger Rocky, the others feel, is simply trying too hard. Adam Park: Hey Rocky, maybe we are trying too hard. Rocky DeSantos: Maybe we're not trying hard enough. (He then spin kicks the pad and somehow ends up falling out of the ring) NC (vo): *laughs* How do you throw yourself out of the ring? It's a little tougher than it sounds, guys. I mean look at that. He clears right over the rope backwards from a jump spin kick. Is that even doable? Trainer: Alright, Critic. Let's see your jump kick. (NC ends up jumping into the bleachers while letting out a Goofy yell) Alright, take five, Critic! NC (vo): So Rocky is put into a hospital as a boy from the shelter sneaks in to say hello. But when he hears Rocky's friends coming in, he hides under the bed because... NC: (confused) ...kids do that? NC (vo): Thus, he sees that they're being called to their Power Ranger duties. Rocky: Justin? Did you just hear all that? Justin Stewart: You guys are the Power Rangers? NC (vo): They beam to their headquarters where - (seeing Zordon in the movie) oh, Christ. Movie Zordon: Lerigot has taken great pains to hide his exact location. Zordon: What? NC: You know, Zordon, in the last movie, they at least gave you an upgrade. NC (vo): They could make you out better, you looked three dimensional, and your lips actually matched what you were saying. (The current Zordon is shown) Why have you gone back to being a half-focused magic eye picture? Zordon: You don't understand. Our entire budget went into Divatox's cleavage (said cleavage is shown) and Johnny Yong Bosch's haircut. It was a sacrifice that needed to be made. NC: Was it really worth it? Zordon: Look at the cleavage, Critic. NC: Kay, they are pretty nice. Zordon: Thank you! Movie Zordon: He is somewhere in Central Africa. Equip yourselves with the power boxes and teleport there immediately. NC (as Zordon): And be sure to keep a close eye out for that wascally wabbit. NC (vo): So they strap on their Mattel Ghostbuster packs and go looking for signals of soccer balls in the area, but a certain snake has a taste for a certain Kat. Tommy: Three! NC (vo): What is with these guys and throwing themselves off cliffs? I've seen lemmings more cautious than them! Kat: Zeo Ranger One, Pink! NC: Yeah, now we're talking! NC: So the... Mighty Morphin powers are not waterproof, Zordon? Zordon: Hey, as long as they never attack Wisconsin Dells, we're fine. NC (as Tommy): I wanna throw myself off something too! NC (vo) She injures her leg, but Tommy manages to get her to safety. Meanwhile on the Ninja Turtles sub, we see that Divatox has captured two onlookers: Bulk and Skull. You know, the bullies who picked on everybody but if they really existed they'd be the ones that get picked on all the time. And she plans on using them as sacrifices for the demon she's going to bring back. Which I'm totally fine with. Divatox: Are these my two humans of purity and strength? Elgar: Yeah, check 'em out. Divatox: Blech! I have given you one more chance. Don't blow it! *pfft!* NC: That was silly even by the movie's standards. NC (vo): But Tommy and Kat finally discover the wizard in all his glitchy, animatronic glory. Tommy: Yes. Alpha. My name's Tommy, and this is Katherine. We're friends. NC (as Tommy): As the humanized version of Disney's Tarzan, welcome. (picture on the left showing said image) NC (vo): They beam him back to headquarters, but the Rocky Horror Fifth Element Show finds two strangers scuba diving nearby. But it turns out they're more familiar than they seem. It's Kimberly and Jason of the original Power Rangers team, and they've been captured by Divatox's minions. Kimberly Hart: This is so lame. You know, we come back here to surprise everybody, and help out with the shelter... NC (vo): Surprise everybody? How are you gonna surprise everybody by scuba diving in the middle of nowhere? I mean, granted, nobody would've seen that coming, but, I think you would've had to wait a while before you were discovered. If ever. NC (as Zordon): Rangers, after all these years, I have finally located Kimberly and Jason. NC (as Alpha-5): Ai yi yi, show them on the screen! (The screen shows two skeletons in scuba gear) Oh my God. NC (vo): Thus, Divatox uses them and Lerigot's wife and child to force the Rangers to turn the wizard over. Tanya Sloan: I don't understand it. Why does Divatox want Lerigot? Movie Zordon: She will likely travel to the Lost Island of... NC (vo): Oh for God sakes, Thomas the Tank Engine moves his mouth more than he does! Movie Zordon: Even the Zords would not be enough to stop them. NC (vo): So the wizard says he wants to hand himself over, but the Rangers agree not before they release Kimberly and Jason. Tommy: Bring our friends closer first! Elgar: You have no choice, humans! Tanya: Lerigot's gone! (They turn to see Lerigot walking down the beach) Lerigot, no! NC (as Lerigot): Your performances are meeeh. NC (vo): They dump the bodies into the water, only to discover they were just dummy decoys. Ingenious. They're acting so lifeless that nobody could possibly tell the difference! Adam: No, it's fake! Tommy! NC (vo): By the way, have you noticed anything missing from this Power Rangers movie? NC: HELLO, THE FUCKING POWER RANGERS! NC (vo): We're 35 minutes in and they haven't morphed once. Is the reason it's called "A Power Ranger Movie" because there is literally just (showing Kat morphing from before) A Power Ranger in the entire thing? Zordon: Well we needed that extra time to push our new products: The Turbo Zords! *ding!* NC: Well how much time do you need to push that? Movie Zordon: Behold your new Turbo Zords. (The Zords happen to be cars) They are extraordinary cars. Vehicles equipped with the power and velocity of Turbo technology. Individually, they are formidable fighting machines, but when merged together, they form the Turbo Megazord, (the words "BUY US!" flash on screen) the most powerful Zord ever created. ("Tell Your Parents You Don't Love Them Unless They Get You One!") Desert Thunder will be yours to command. ("Kimberly and Jason Will DIE if You Don't Collect Them All!") Katherine, yours is called Wind Chaser. Tanya, Dune Star is your Turbo Zord. ("Steal From Church if You Must, Just BUY ONE!") And Tommy, Red Lightning will serve you well. NC: Oh my God! As marketing whores go, you're making Transformers look modest! Zordon: It's working! Your criticisms are restoring brain cells to the viewers, and the movie's powers are getting weaker. Continue your review, Critic! NC: Alright! NC (vo): As time goes along, we do finally see the Power Rangers transform into their new costumes. Tommy: I've never felt anything like this. Kat: Wow, this is great! NC (vo): And what do they end up doing? (Cut to Tommy in his car) Change immediately out of them, of course! I am not even fucking kidding! They dress up in these things so they can be out of them in the very next scene. 38 minutes in and they only change once just to directly change out of them. What, is it Casual Friday? NC (vo): Well, at least they have the cars now, so that has to lead to some kickass action, right? Oh, you bet. They drive those Turbo fast Morphin powered vehicles of awesome to a 19th century ship where they immediately get out of their cars, park them inside, and ride the incredibly uneventful HMS Pinabore! Singer: Go! Go! Power Rangers! You're getting new vehicles and powers just so you can ride in a slow ass boat Rangers! NC (vo): Oh, and get this. Since Rocky's out of comission, Zordon finds another recruit to be the Blue Ranger. You will never guess who it fucking is! Justin: Wow, cool. Tanya: Justin, what are you doing here? Justin: Guys, I'm the new Blue Ranger! NC: My God. (he takes his hat off) It never had a chance. NC (vo): You see it right, folks. That little pipsqueak who only got a few seconds of screen time is officially the new Blue Ranger. NC: You know, Zordon, are there no armed forces or military who want to take these jobs? It's always gotta be kids and teenagers? Zordon: Well, we knew that if any of them went crazy in the future, nobody would care. It's what all kid stars do. Tommy: We'll talk about this later. Right now, we gotta get those cars on that ship. NC (vo): Oh hi, skeleton. Should probably question that. Oh well. Let's put this 9-year-old in unspeakable danger. By the way, do you know martial arts? Eh, fuck it. Ship ahoy! But as the ship sails, Divatox manages to sneak some monsters on board. Justin: (scared whisper) Help! Guys! Hey, guys! NC (as Adam): Barely hearable whisper? I'd pick that up anywhere. Justin: Adam, look out! NC (vo): Time to put the Johnny Yong ka-Bosch on these asses! NC (vo): Oh, wow, we got a fight in this movie? I was hoping for another hour of jungle searching or throwing ourselves off things. NC: Hey, it worked! Zordon: Good job, Critic! You stopped the movie's stupidity right in its tracks. NC: HA! Suck it, Traffic Cone Tits! Rita: Oh! You think you have defeated me? NC: (smug) Yeah. Rita: Well, you haven't! I call upon the power of the Movie Bomb! NC: Zordon, what is that? Zordon: That is the greatest weapon she has - a Movie Bomb. A creature that destroys all possibilities of a rising franchise. Its latest victim was After Earth. NC: My god, he's still playing the movie through the airwaves! Somebody has to go down there and stop him! (He looks over to Zordon) Zordon: Well? I'm just a head. NC: Well, I guess that leaves only one alternative. It's Pandering Time! Voice: Hey you! Nostalgia Ranger: Alright, you box office poison, I'm gonna give you a reviewing you'll never forget! I'm gonna tear apart every single one of your contrivances! I'm gonna nail you right in the plot hole! Uh, hold on. NC: Hey Zordon, what's the deal? Every time I put this helmet on, I'm jumping around like an attention deficit jumping bean. Zordon: It is the Power Ranger way. Now review that stinker! NC: Okay. NR: You think this movie will make any possible sense whatsoever? No! Your movie is so clichéd, I can't even put it into words! I mean the acting? It's horrid. And the writing? It's a joke! How can anybody watch this piece of crap and expect to like it? I ask you, (voiceover) what is the point of keeping the Power Rangers out of their costumes for so long? Do you honestly think anyone cares about what kind of metrosexual necklace Tommy is wearing? (normal) They don't even wear the costumes during the fight scenes (voiceover) when they could actually use them! And for that matter, the fight scene is not even that impressive. Half the monsters are defeated off screen! And even the ones that aren't? Look at that! They actually have to help them off the ship! (normal) That's lame! (voiceover) And what is up with this line? Tanya: This sure ain't the Love Boat. NR (vo): Do you think anybody in your age demographic could possibly get that? Was it supposed to be a joke for adults? You know that they're already on the eighth level of Angry Birds at this point! They tuned out a while ago! NR: It's not working, Zordon! He seems to be impervious to criticism! Zordon: Very well. You will have to use hand-to-hand combat. Fight him off with all your martial arts skills and maybe you won't have to use the giant robot. NR: Got it! Alright big, tall and ugly. The time has come for you - what giant robot? Zordon: The ten story high robot that we only use as a last resort. NR: (a beat) This guy is like a foot taller than me. Why don't I use the giant robot first? Zordon: We can't. NR: Why? Zordon: We just can't! NR: Why? Zordon: It's not how we do things! NR: It's not how you do things. Zordon: Just be honorable! Fight him man to man. NR: Right. Alright, evildoer! Now the time has come for me to send you into a world of - go giant robot! Rita: Oh! NR: Wow! (the robot is shown being a combination of a Megazord, The Big O, Voltron and Optimus Prime) It's Mega-Big-Voltron-imus-Prime-O! Now that's the shit I'm talking about! Rita: Hey, you little cheater! That's not how it's done! NR: You got a problem? Take it up with the flour tortilla that used to be your monster. And just to pour more salt in the wound, I'm gonna keep reviewing the movie. Think of it as a victory lap for those who know how to use their giant robots. Rita: Oh! NC: Beam me up, Scotty. (he's teleported back to the base) Ahh. Zordon: (less than pleased with NC) That was not the honorable way! NC: But it was the effective way. Can't argue with results. NC (vo): So Divatox crosses worlds with the wizard's magic and the Rangers follow. In the meantime, Kimberly escapes with Bulk and Skull, but Jason doesn't get out in time. Why? Because he has to save her from her shirt! Yeah, something you'll notice very quickly is that the reappearance of the classic Rangers is not very action-packed. Every other second, they have to be rescued from Divatox, monsters - hell, even men with sticks. Fucking men with sticks is too much for them! I wouldn't mind too much if any of the other Rangers did anything in this movie! But no! It's just patiently waiting on that goddamn boat! Hell, their new theme should go like this: Yo ho, yo ho, a Ranger's life for me! We wait so tediously for plot Please give us something to do! It's all just the same, we're boring and lame, Can we trade places with you? Yo ho, yo ho, a Ranger's life for me! NC (vo): But eventually, they do make it to the location of the demon. Adam: There it is. The Lost Island of Eurandes. NC (vo): But then Divatox finds out that the Rangers are on her tail and decides to call for help. Divatox: Hi, Rita, I need your advice. How do I get rid of the Power Rangers? Movie Rita: What?! If I knew that, do you think I'd be lying here listening to this?! Movie Rita: My advice to you, Divatox - RUUUUUUUN! (laughs and hangs up) NC: Well there now, see, Rita? You're in this movie. Rita: It's a one minute cameo in my pajamas! And on top of that, do you really want to think about the image of me and Lord Zedd doing it? NC: ...(shudders) No. Rita: Exactly! Oh! NC (vo): But they decide to send Adam to the island in his car. Wait, how's that doable? NC (vo): Wait a minute, they float? Pennywise: Oh yes. They float, Georgie. They float. NC (vo): And he finally arrives there, driving his fearsome - (Desert Thunder is shown to be a minivan) oh, can't this kid catch a break? (quick clip of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie) First he's a frog, then they make him look like David from Roseanne, and then they give him a minivan. A fucking minivan! Is an emergency soccer pickup gonna be needed in the near future? NC: You can give it all the cool sound effects you want, it's still a minivan. NC (vo): The other Rangers eventually join him and try to save Jason, who they have evilly dressed him up as a Sith Lord and...(looking at the rope tied around Jason) tied a rope around his dick? The hell is going on here? Is this Divatox's perverted sense of torture? Oh, you are sick, lady, you are fucking sick! NC: I mean, there's dick moves, and then there's dick moves! In fact, by the time this walk is over, I'll be surprised if his dick moves! (shudders hardly) NC (vo): After it looks like the natives of the island have captured Kimberly too - yeah, again, the threatening men with sticks - they take them into a ceremony to bring the demon monster to life. And now, fucking finally, only an hour and ten minutes in, do we finally see them transform for a fight scene. And yes, even the little kid transforms. Tommy: (during his morph) Red Lightning Turbo Power! Justin: (who apparently got a few feet taller) Woah! Alright! NC (vo): (sputters) Wait a minute! What the hell happened here?! What, was there a Mighty Morphin Puberty Burst that happened during the transformation? Can they all do that? Can they all grow double their size? I think that'd be sort of a distinct advantage in conflict, wouldn't it? NC: Actually, I wonder if he uses this to pick up women at bars. Justin (vo by Rachel): No really, babe, I'm eighteen. Now, what do you say we go to my bunk bed and I unzip my fly and never take this costume off? NC (vo): So they get ready to sacrifice Kimberly and Jason to summon the demon. And I will admit this movie can redeem itself if it partakes in a Kali-style heart rip-out. But the Rangers show up and they partake in their usual Six Flags-style stunt show. Green Ranger: Get out of my way! (each word punctuated with a punch) NC (as goon): Not even close but okayyy! NC (vo): But unfortunately they don't get to Kimberly and Jason in time, which means they don't... die, strangely enough. They just get turned evil (Jason snaps through his bonds easily while Kimberly gives an evil look to the team) Which apparently in this movie means not strangely looking a whole lot like (picture of...) Bella Swan. Pink Ranger: You've got to fight the evil! Evil Kimberly: Evil is like evil does. NC (as Evil Kimberly): You named my daughter after the Loch Ness Monster? Red Ranger: Kimberly, no! Tommy: No. Pink Ranger: Yes, we're your friends! Evil Kimberly: Friends? Ha ha ha ha! NC: (laughing at the delivery of that line) That might be my favorite reaction in the entire movie. NC (vo): It either suddenly hit her how stupid this scene is, or she was suddenly possessed by a drunk Patty and Selma. Evil Kimberly: Friends? Ha ha ha ha! Evil Jason: You're mine, Ranger! (he punches Tommy towards the pit, then jumps onto the edge of it, gripping his throat) No! This one is mine! NC (vo): The wizards use their magic to snap them out of it, but nevertheless, the demon is risen, causing the Rangers to whip out their weapons they wouldn't whip out when their friends were in danger. That's nice. Divatox: Haven't changed a bit! NC (vo): The monster has no interest in joining with Divatox and instead plans to grow large and look to cause trouble, resulting in the Rangers putting together their giant awesome-bot. Blue Ranger: Mountain Blaster's lined up and coming in! NC (vo): This long transformation scene taking place while the monster presumably patiently waits in the corner results in them putting together their biggest creation yet. Colonel Sandurz: Mega Maid. NC: Close enough. NC (vo): They have a short Clash of the Cretins and of course, wouldn't you know it, they win the fight. So, how could we possibly end after a note like that? How about that kickboxing competition that only got two minutes of screentime? Because, yeah, in the end, that's what it's all been building up to, right? An even poorer man's version of Sidekicks? Announcer: The National Championship Title goes... to the Angel Grove (don't know what that word is)! NC (vo): They win the tournament, (Kat hugs Justin so that her boobs are just about in his face) this kid fantasizes about this half a second for the rest of his life, and the guy who plays Rocky (Steve Cardenas) fires his agent. NC: And that's Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie. It's stupid, campy and doesn't make any sense whatsoever... but... Zordon: ...But? NC: When you think about it, when everything is said and done... Power Rangers is... Zordon: Critic, the monster's back! You must return to stop it! NC: Again? (he points up and gets transported out to the field) NC: Alright, where's that Scooby-Doo monster? (he looks up and sees the monster is now gigantic) Whoa! That low-angle shot made him huge! Pandering Time! (he presses the watch and teleports into the cockpit of Mega-Big-Voltron-imus-Prime-O) Ha ha! Now we're both gigantic! And for some reason transformed this suburban park into a Japanese mountainside (shows the background has changed). But nevertheless, you're going down! Rita: Ha ha, it's too powerful now! You can never stop it! (as she points at NC, her headpiece covers her eyes, forcing her to reposition it) NC: You're right! I can't stop it! Rita: (taken back) Huh? NC: It doesn't matter if you show how goofy or campy or silly it was, because that's what people liked about it to begin with. It's like Ninja Turtles or He-Man or Transformers or something like that. Yeah it was stupid, but I still think fondly of it because it was my childhood escape. I didn't enjoy Power Rangers, but it wasn't meant for me. It was for a younger generation of people to look back and enjoy how preposterously over the top it was. Get the picture? Rita: ...No! I will continue to show the picture to the world, tormenting everybody who watches it! NC: How the hell am I gonna stop her from forcing everybody to watch this movie? I mean if somebody who really hated the show couldn't stop it, then...(he gets a bright idea) That's it. Green Ranger, go! Linkara: So why do they give up the Zeo Powers? There was nothing wrong with them, they just switched out from Zeo to Turbo! Linkara: So everytime that Rita throws her staff down, does she just, like, magic it back up every time or is there like a big, long fishing line and she just pulls it back up really really hard? Rita: No! It's too geeky! It's too geeky! Linkara: What the hell is up with that? How is Rita an Empress of Evil if it turns out Lord Zedd is actually higher up in the food chain? And how is he an Emperor of Evil if there's actually a guy who's higher up even than him? NC: Thanks, Linkara. You saved the day with your disturbed obsession. Linkara: (still ranting) How bad is the economy of Angel Grove considering they have an abandoned warehouse district that always seems to be destroyed? (NC pushes a button) It must be a huge freaking area - (and Linkara is teleported out) NC: Well folks, if something this kooky has been around for 20 years, must be doing something right. Enjoy your incredibly silly show. It's ridiculous nonsense, but it's your ridiculous nonsense. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Singer: Go Nostalgia Critic! You Whiny Moanin' Nostalgia Critic! This song is here to praise your heroes and suck up Your folks will buy it just to shut you the fuck up But still, this song's so awesome, you cannot deny It makes the coolest scenes out of tripe Go Nostalgia Critic Go Nostalgia Critic Evil Kimberly: Friends? Ha ha ha ha!
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